Reconstructing Faith

Doubt: When You’re Not Sure What You Believe

Reconstructing Faith / By

Several years ago, I was walking down the street on an ordinary day when suddenly a thought inserted itself out of the blue: What if there is no God? Given that I was not pondering the subject at the time, the intruding thought felt strangely self-animating. But rather than disturbing me, I felt relieved. My body began to relax and an exhilarating sense of freedom washed over me. I was surprised by my reaction. Why would I, a devout Christian, dedicated to studying the Scriptures feel relief at the thought of no God? As I pondered my response, I realized I was afraid of God. If there was no God I didn’t need to worry about getting all the answers right. I didn’t need to worry about getting the answers wrong. It was like someone telling me I could skip the nerve wracking exam.

This incident came at a time when I was increasingly discouraged and disillusioned about finding answers to certain theological questions. Biblical research had challenged long held beliefs and provoked numerous questions. My presuppositions about the Bible were being rattled. Like many other students whose faith is disrupted by biblical scholarship, I came from a tradition that puts considerable emphasis on correct doctrine. Pinning down answers is of utmost importance. Apologetic books abound and parishioners are warned not to read material that might contradict the approved doctrines. At the root lies considerable fear of getting the answers wrong and facing a punishing God. 

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World So Full

Reconstructing Faith / By

I recently came across a song called “World So Full” by Jon Dee Graham. It is covered below by Gloria Showalter who writes, “My major is Peace, Justice, and Conflict Studies, which means that many of my classes deal with some of the worst stuff in the world. My four years here at Goshen College have been challenging as I look at the pain of the world in my academic study, and in my own life. Sometimes, amidst the study of PTSD, sexual violence, systemic oppression, and genocide, I have felt pretty hopeless.. . . Working towards God’s vision of healing and reconciliation is not the sort of thing that feels good all the time or always yields the results I want. Yet, my time here at Goshen has deepened my hope and strengthened my commitment to working to bring that just and peaceful world a little closer to reality. In the words of this song, ‘I’m still in love with the world so full.'”

Excerpts from the song include:

Little stars hang on tight
to the roof of this night.
Don’t turn away,
Don’t turn away
From the world so full.

Make me willing,
Make me strong,
Make me brave as the day is long.

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Never Heard of Spiritual Direction?

Reconstructing Faith / By

If you have never heard of Spiritual Direction before, you are not alone. Not too many years ago, I was in the same boat. I first learned about the practice through a woman at my church who had been trained by the Mercy Center in Burlingame, California. When I began to meet with Bonnie all I knew was I needed to talk to someone about my doubts, fears, and hopes for the future. I felt uncertain about God’s involvement in my life or what direction I should go in vocationally. Even after reading a brochure on Spiritual Direction and attending the first few sessions, I still could not define exactly what we were doing. It wasn’t counseling and yet Bonnie listened so attentively. It wasn’t advising and yet I experienced so many new insights. I began to see and understand God’s movement in my life in ways I had not noticed before. It was exciting! In fact, the experience was life-changing. I found Spiritual Direction to be more helpful to me than previous experiences of seeing a therapist. It tapped into the deepest part of me, my spiritual core.

My own positive experience with Spiritual Direction led me to seek a training program so I could offer this gift to others. At the time, I was at a crossroad of deciding whether or not to return to the mental health field (after a period of working in student affairs at a university). I enjoyed listening to people and working with them through their challenges, but something always seemed missing in my previous work as a therapist. Even though I saw how crucial mental health treatment is (and still do), I felt unable to fully give attention to deeper underlying issues of the soul. I realized my greatest love was seeing people come alive spiritually and how that affected their overall well-being. Once I discovered the impact of Spiritual Direction, I had the “aha!” experience of knowing this was the right ministry fit for me. So I jumped in with both feet. I had the blessing of being trained by Faithful Companions of Jesus, Catholic Sisters in the Ignatian tradition. From the very beginning I found offering Spiritual Direction to be incredibly life-giving. I never tire of hearing people’s hearts and seeing how God is at work in their lives.

I encourage everyone to consider giving Spiritual Direction a try. For more information on what to expect during a session, you can read how I approach it in “What Is Spiritual Direction?” Other Spiritual Directors may have different emphases. It is perfectly acceptable to “shop” around for the right Spiritual Director that fits your particular needs. Find someone you can trust and feel comfortable sharing with honestly. Also consider the spiritual life of the person you are seeing and whether or not he or she is actively pursuing a close relationship with God.

To find see someone for individual spiritual direction, see this referral list.

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